


got a deathwish (yeah)

by aclowder



Category: DSMP - Fandom, Dream SMP - Fandom
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Memory Loss, Reader-Insert, comforting dad phil, reader is/identifies with she/her pronouns, reader likes techno but can't tell him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aclowder/pseuds/aclowder
Summary: You wake up covered in blood in the snow. Something happened last night, but you can't remember what.
Relationships: Reader/Technoblade, Technoblade/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 86





	1. Chapter 1

You wake up to cold feet. Not the “I don’t know if i wanna do this anymore, techno.” kind of cold feet, your feet are actually cold. Your instinct is to turn over, push the blankets down, even search for a blanket. But, when you put your hand out to look for a blanket you’re met with the cold layer of snow that coats the ground. Gasping, you sit up with a start and open your eyes- searching the area around you until your eyes land on… someone?

It’s hard to discern if he’s really human at first but then you realize who it is- it’s Technoblade. You’re friends with him, you live next to him, you  _ know  _ him. 

“What happened to you?” He asks, hand outstretched. You take it and lift yourself to your feet. 

“What do you mean? I’m fi..” Your words die in your throat when you look down at yourself and find out you’re  _ covered  _ in blood. Most of it is dry, clinging to your skin tightly, but your armor drips with it. 

“Yeah, you’re covered in blood, kid. So what happened?” He starts to walk away and you follow obediently, like you’ve done this before. You think for a moment, trying to remember last night. Nothing comes to mind. 

“I don’t remember.” You look down at your hands. There’s dirt and blood caked under your nails. 

“How don’t you remember? What, another person with memory loss? This schtick is starting to get old.” He looks down at you and you can see the barest form of a smile under the pig skull that covers his face. 

“I’m serious.” The smile falters and then disappears completely. 

“We’ll get Phil to look at you. He probably read something in those books about it.” You make no mention of not knowing Phil and continue to follow Techno. 

The cabin brings back memories as you begin to approach it. It was never warm here, something Techno liked and you hated. Your home was barely a stones throw away, attached to his by a neglected cobblestone path that tripped you and was left unshoveled often. Techno tells you he’ll call Phil, but that you need to get home and shower. 

“You reek of zombies.” he says as he shuts the door on you. 

Your dog greets you at the door, his nametag reading “Fido”. You don’t remember naming him. There’s a picture of you and two people you don’t recognize- one of them has wings that glitter even in the picture, black and magnificent- the other has fluffy brown hair, he’s holding a peace sign over your head. You don’t remember either of them. 

Your shower does nothing to clear your thoughts or make any of them make sense. You move around your house on muscle memory alone until there’s a knock at the door. You crack it open, leaving the chain lock done up so that it only opens a crack. The same man in the picture -now wingless- stands at your front door. The wind and snow move his hair erratically, and he smiles at you. 

“Y/n.” He says. His voice is so familiar. You pause for a moment as you look at him. 

Who is he? You glance behind you to the picture. 

“Can I come in?” He asks, somewhat hesitant now. “Techno told me what’s happening, it’s okay.” 

You shut the door and undo the chain lock, letting him. He takes off his snow caked boots and jacket, putting them both by the door. 

“So, tell me what happened.” Phil asks. You watch him sit down on the couch and decide it’s a good idea to follow, sitting across from him. 

“I don’t remember.” You reply. Phil raises an eyebrow. “I remember Techno waking me up in the snow this morning, but before that… I have nothing.” 

“But you remember Techno, yeah?” He asks. You nod. 

“I don’t remember you.” You reply. You look up at the picture and point to it. “I can’t remember him either and… your wings? Where are they?” 

“Uhm, okay…” He seems to be searching for the right things to say. “That’s Wilbur, he’s your brother, and I’m Phil. As for my wings, I lost them protecting you and Wilbur from an explosion.” 

“Wilbur.” You say his name, looking up at the painting. 

_ “Wilbur!” You whine his name, jumping for the sword he had stolen from you. “Knock it off!”  _

_ He laughs, still taunting you.  _

_ “Hey, kids.” Phil’s voice seems almost scolding as he walks into the living room.  _

_ “Give it back to her, Wilbur.” Phil says. Wilbur sighs and hands you back the sword. You stick your tongue out at him childishly and he laughs, faking a grab at the sword that only makes you more irritated with him.  _

“Wilbur.” You repeat, still looking at his face in the picture. 

“Yeah, your brother.” Phil says, watching you. He’d gone through this with Ghostbur before, though Ghostbur took to all of this a lot quicker than you. 

“This is a lot.” You tell him, feeling overwhelmed. How could you have forgotten your brother? Why don’t you remember him? 

“Listen, hey,” Phil reaches out, takes your hand, and you look at him shakily. “You’re all shaken up from whatever happened last night, your memory will come back to you.” 

“You think so?” You ask him. His hand is heavy in yours and he spares you a smile.

“Yeah, I think so.” Phil replies. A beat passes before he takes a deep breath. 

“You haven’t eaten yet, have you?” You shake your head no to confirm him. “I’ll go make some food, stay here, rest up.” 

He ruffles your hair as he walks back you and settle back against your couch, throw blanket pulled down over you to try and settle the cold in your bones. 

Your eyes are so heavy, something about last night was exhausting. The wind rattles your window panes threateningly as you let yourself fall asleep. 


	2. i just wanna tell you (how i'm feeling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up from a memory-dream and walk to Techno's house in the middle of a blizzard.

_ “Techno!” Your voice strains with the scream of his name as he’s guided until the cage. The anvil swings menacingly above him. “Stop! You can’t-!”  _

_ “I said take me instead!” You shout, fighting against Fundy, who holds you by each arm tightly.  _

_ Quackity ignores you, walking up to Techno’s cage instead. They’ve caged him like he’s some animal, ripped the pig skull from off his face which gives them full view of the scars he tries so hard to hide. His left eye is cloudy, the eyesight bad, and Quackity stands on his right to make sure he’s in full view.  _

_ You can’t hear them beyond the blood rushing in your ears and the screaming that tearing your throat apart. Quackity walks away from the cage and stands beside the button, his hands lingering over it.  _

_ “Don’t watch.” Techno says as he looks at you. His voice cuts through your fear and rage. “Phil will come get you, don’t watch me.”  _

_ You close your eyes and turn your head away as the sound of the anvil dropping reaches your ears. It doesn’t save you from the shouts, or from the chaos, but when you open your eyes again Techno is fleeing the scene, covered in blood. You struggle more now, even in exhaustion, trying to fight to get to him.  _

_ “Wilbur! Wilbur hey!” You shout for your phantom brother, motioning him to move faster as he walks towards you with Blue.  _

_ “Y/n? What’s going on?” He asks. His hand clutches Blue’s lead and he seems… scared.  _

_ “I can explain later but can you untie me? We have to get to Phil and get out of L’Manberg.”  _

“Y/n.” You open your eyes, wet with tears, to see Phil sitting beside you. “I wasn’t going to wake you but you started crying.” 

“I’m okay.” You reply, sitting up. The TV flickers a show you don’t know the name of, and a cold plate of food sits on the coffee table. 

“Are you sure?” Phil asks as you stand up and toe on your boots. You nod. 

“I have to go see Techno.” You mumble as you open the door blanket wrapped around your shoulders. 

The wind threatens to topple you over as you walk down the path, your eyes focused on the dim yellow glow of techno’s lanterns. The shutters are closed, pulled tight to keep the storm out and the heat in. The smoke in his chimney is whipped away quickly by the wind. The ice trips you as you walk up the stairs, making you grip onto the railing as you ascend them. 

You knock on the heavy spruce door. The treated wood repels the snow and ice easily. You treated the doors for him, it took a week to finish them but they looked so great now. Techno pulls the door open, looking so domestic without the cloak or his hair tied up. He’s been making potions, judging by the stains on his fingers. 

“Y/n?” He asks. “It’s a blizzard, what are you- get in here!” 

He ushers you inside as you shiver as rubs his hands up and down your arms to try and warm you up. 

“Why did you come?” He asks. 

“I had to.” You say quietly. “I- I just had to.” 

“Why- actually, it doesn’t matter. Sit down.” Techno motions to the chair and you take the seat willingly. He pulls a potion down from the brewing stand, the steam pours out from the neck of the beaker. 

Techno pours it into a mug and places it in front of you. You drink it silently, walking away to prepare another beaker for a potion. You watch him pick up the ingredients with expert hands, adjusting his glasses to see them all properly. 

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Techno asks, glancing over his shoulder. His left eye is clouded, the scar that runs over it is old and no longer pink like when he had first got it. 

_ When he had first got it.  _

_ “Stay still, Techno, please. I know it hurts.” You plead with him as he holds one of you wrists in a vice grip while you try to clean the wound. The gash is huge, and you’re probably going to have to stitch the part on his eyebrow and his cheek.  _

_ “Hold my hand.” You instruct him, threading your fingers with his. “Squeeze it as tight as you want.”  _

“Y/n?” Techno calls your name and you realize you’re frozen mid-sip. You blink out of it. 

“Sorry.. What did you say?” You ask, eyes focused on his again. 

“I said I’ll sleep later, important prep being done. Why aren’t you asleep?” 

“I fell asleep when I came back earlier.” You reply. The room falls silent again easily, and you’re happy enough to let it sit still. You drink the potion Techno gave you, it bubbles and swirls with pink and silver in the cup. 

When Techno looks back over his shoulder you’re stooped over the table, your head on your arm as you sleep quietly. He snorts and turns back to the potions. He knew you were still tired. 

You seem so different today, so calm and… oddly empty. The voices like you, they always have, swimming around in his head and whispering his ears-  _ she’s cute, we like her, keep her, don’t leave her sleeping on the table, protect her, keep her safe, she’s so cute, wow she’s amazing, Techno we like her-  _ and he knows, really  _ he gets it _ . You’re adorable, the amount of time you spent building your tiny cottage, collecting the flowers from outside the arctic and bringing them back, and he enjoyed your company. 

_ You should move her to the bed,  _ one of the voices says. 

“Yeah, probably.” He replies as he turns around. He moves you around until he can pick you up, leaving your damp blanket behind. He carries you up to bed, laying the blankets over you as you shiver in your sleep. 

“Goodnight,  _ princess _ .” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment!!! it really encourages me!!


	3. deep inside (your bones)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No TW's for this chapter, other than some angst hehe

You wake up in Techno’s house. His blankets are so soft, woolen and light blue. You run your hands over them and remember the time you’d spent spinning the yarn and knitting it. It had been a birthday present during the war. 

You push the blankets away and stand up, flinching at the cold floors and walking down towards Phil and Techno’s voices. 

“Can we even take her with us?” Phil’s voice reaches your ears first, making you freeze behind the door. 

“Why can’t we?” Techno says. “There’s no reason to believe she can’t still fight.” 

“It’s dangerous.” Phil reasons, insistent. “She’s lost huge chunks of her memory, she can barely remember Wil or me-”

“You know how pissed she would be if we told her she couldn’t come.” Techno cuts him off. 

“She doesn’t even remember what we’re fighting against.” Phil says. There’s a fight? You’re a fighter? Why can’t you remember any of it? 

“Give me a chance to explain it to her.” Techno says. “And I’ll spar with her, see if her muscle memory is still there.” 

“Alright.” Phil says, after a moment's silence to deliberate. “But I want you to be a hundred percent on this Techno, if there’s even a shadow of a doubt-” 

“I would never put Y/n in danger, Phil, you know that.” 

“I know.” Phil says. There’s a shuffling, as he gets up and pushes his chair back in. They say quick farewells and the doors open, closing to signal Phil’s leaving. 

“You can come out Y/n.” You go tense behind the door, breath stopping for a moment before you push the door open, looking sheepish and feeling embarrassed. 

“I have questions.” You say as the door closes behind you. Techno nods and you sit across from him. 

He brings you up to speed on everything- the war, the fighting, Wilbur’s death, the exile,  _ everything _ . You struggle to imagine yourself planting TNT underground with Wilbur, carving away the dirt to place block after block. You were supposed to do it in the end, press the button and blow it all to smithereens. Wilbur had convinced you out of it, he told you he never even placed the button, never wired it through the wall, and you believed him. You were so naive, so happy just to fight beside your brother and win the war the right way that you hadn’t thought he was slowly losing his mind and slipping away from you during the fight. 

“It took you awhile to talk to Phil after he killed Wilbur.” Techno says. You nod, staring down at the table as you try to process things. Phil killed Wilbur? If it was you, would he have killed you too?

“It’s… It’s coming back slowly.” You mumble as memories swim around in your head in pieces. 

Techno’s voices are so loud he wonders if you can hear them. They’re almost deafening as they scream at him to  _ console her, help her, why did you have to tell her Techno? She didn’t have to know, console her, hug her, she looks so sad, don’t be sad y/n!! _

“Hey.” Techno reaches out, hand stuttering slightly with hesitation as he takes your hand. You look up at him, looking so sad and.. Angry. “We will destroy it all tomorrow for the last time.” 

“Tomorrow?” You ask. Techno nods. 

“Tomorrow it’s all over.” Techno replies. He glances outside, and looks beyond the snowy landscape, focusing on your translucent brother and his sheep. He pulls his hand out of yours and the cold air replaces it quickly, much to your disappointment. 

The door opens not a moment later, and Wilbur enters in from the cold. The frigid air blows across your side when you turn around and greet him with a smile. He tries to hug you, forgetting that he falls through most people and objects, and giggles when you try to ruffle his hair.  _ Little brother,  _ you think,  _ what I would give to have you whole again.  _   
  
“Are you staying a while?” You ask as he sits down at the table.  _ He wanders now, Techno said.  _   
  
“I’m gonna stay home when you go to fight, I don’t- I can’t go back.” Ghostbur replies. He fidgets with his fingers nervously and you feel almost bad for asking. 

“It’s okay.” You say, smiling at him. It’s almost instinct, the way you easily comfort him and put him at ease. 

“Blue will be safe at your house, right? I want to leave him there.” Ghostbur asks. You nod, still smiling at him. 

“You can tie him up out back, the stables with my horse, it’s heated in the winter.” You say the words before you even think about them. You hadn’t remembered that the stable was heated. 

“Thank you.” He says, effectively finishing the conversation. You sit quietly in silence as techno stands back up to finish his potions that are brewing and Ghostbur leaves to go to your stables. 

You watch Techno work as his back is turned. His movements are controlled, practiced, he’s done this many times before, probably in the hundreds or thousands, and it shows. He’s not wearing the cape, or the mask, and his socks are pink- something that brings a tiny smile to your face when you see them. Technoblade: Anarchist, half-pigman, half-human, one of the greatest fighters to ever grace the earth, wears pink socks while he mixes potions. 

“Here.” Techno puts a few potions down on the table and a sword. You look at them in confusion. “Pick them up. 

“Why…?” You ask hesitantly as you pick up the sword and store away the potions. 

“If you’re going to come tomorrow, we have to go spar and make sure you remember how to fight.” Techno says, putting on his boots, cape and mask. You follow him out the door, boots pulled up. The air is cold but you know once you start sparring you’ll warm up. 

“How are we starting-” Techno gives you no time to adjust to the snow as he unsheathes his sword and swings it at you. You block with your sword and look up at him with wide eyes. 

“Your reflexes are intact.” He says. “Good. Now, come at me.” 

“I- What?” You ask, confused. 

“Pretend we’re facing each other in battle. Come at me like you’re going to kill me.” Techno says, arms extended at his sides. You lift the sword and drop your weight so you’re more stable, running at him. 

You exchange blows, jumping and blocking him as he plays the defense. Your health drops to half but you manage to get a few good hits in. You seem to be annoying him more than fighting him. You connect swords at the base with a ring that makes your ears hurt and twist them so that neither of you have a sword and are forced into hand-to-hand combat. 

Hand-to-hand seems to be your strong suit, or so Techno surmises from the way you’re quicker with your blows and blocks. Techno trips you up on a leg block though, sending you falling onto the ground. He pins you with one hand, your arm twisted behind you back. His nails are long and slightly sharp at the ends and you have a brief memory of him sharpening them before the first war began. 

“Techno!” You shout, trying to twist away. 

“Tap out.” He says from above you, voice deep as he pants from exertion. 

“No!” You insist. You try to push yourself up but he forces you back down again, pinning you to the snow. You groan in defeat and tap your hand on the snow. 

He lets you go and helps you up, brushing the snow from your back. 

“You can definitely still fight.” Techno says, something of a smile on his face underneath the mask. 

“You’re no fun to spar with.” you grumble under your breath, obviously trying to get a rise out of him. He laughs and starts to walk back towards the house, picking up his sword. 

“So next time, I should just let you win?” He asks, making no effort to hide his smile this time. You cross your arms like a petulant child and he laughs, really,  _ truly laughs _ . 

“Come back inside,  _ princess _ , before you catch a cold.” 

  
_ Princess  _ rattles around in your brain like a bouncy ball in an empty room. You repeat it over and over silently as you stomp up the stairs, trying to dislodge the snow from your boots. Had he really said that? You’re glad the col air hides your blush, or you would have a hard time explaining it to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> please comment! It really encourages me!!


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